We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's shark week go big or go home
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
