dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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