Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
