As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
