I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
