We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
