Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
