Already got asked if we're dating
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize