why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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