If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
