tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
