just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
