and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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