i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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