I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
