I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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