The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
