bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i out mim tonsoeep
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