gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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