i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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