we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
