dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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