Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
