How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
