my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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