i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
