I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
tell me about the eggs
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