so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
