Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
