Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
