my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
