im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
