My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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