if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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