last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
