The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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