naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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