i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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