She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
