Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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