u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
