A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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