Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
