I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize