Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
