i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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