its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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