My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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