walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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