Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Blood and glitter go together right?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
