Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
