I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Another day, another engagement, another cat
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm like, not good at living.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
