this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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