That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
