My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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