two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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