we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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