if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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