you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
