The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Less talking, more tequila
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
