Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
