while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
